by Kevin Kelly, Chartwell Law
INTRODUCTION
Every lawyer has encountered situations where tensions are high, voices are raised, and tempers have flared. This can occur during phone calls, over email, in depositions or mediations, and even in court. Understanding that the loudest voice is rarely the most persuasive is a key skill that every young lawyer must learn.
WHY IT MATTERS
The legal field is one full of disagreement and many practicing lawyers spend their entire careers arguing each and every day. The mental strain that comes with letting a professional disagreement seep into your personal life, and even worse, letting it happen regularly, will lead you to resent your career choice and burn out rapidly. If every disagreement leads to a shouting match, every day will wear on you. The longer this goes on, the hard it will be to break the cycle and the less you will be prepared to help your clients. While arguments are bound to happen, learning to speak calmly to opposing counsel, deposition witnesses, judges, and even difficult clients will help you to curb the strain that comes with constant disagreements. Not only will you avoid the stress that comes with flaring tempers, but you will also be able to advocate more effectively. When your thoughts are collected, you are more articulate, you think on your feet quicker, and you will get your point across clearer. Most importantly, it will help you keep work at work and your personal life personal. If you spend every night grinding your teeth about the way an opposing counsel talked to you or how a judge ruled against you, sooner rather than later you will want to give up the profession you worked hard to enter.
HOW TO DO IT
Take a breath. Early in my practice an opposing counsel sent an email at 9:00pm the night before a big holiday weekend suggesting that my conduct was unethical, belligerent, abusive, malicious, and a host of other adverbs simply because I did not agree with his legal analysis. In that moment I had two choices, (1) spend my evening furiously typing away a response to the outlandish accusations; or (2) take a deep breath and close the email. I chose the latter. When I revisited the email with a clear head the next day, my response was concise and effective. I was proud to simply reply “we will have to agree to disagree and let the court decide.” The decision to take a breath and walk away saved me hours of stress, and strain on my mental health. This decision was also an example of how to practice the techniques that become habits. Simply put, when you find yourself writing an angry email or starting to raise your voice in a deposition, walk away, take a step back, and breathe. Even a few minutes can be enough time to compose yourself and the next steps you take will always be more effective.
Quit taking it personally. Many times, when speaking with an opposing counsel, they know details about their client’s life that bring emotion into the discussion. Not every judge will agree with your position. There is a reason it is called legal analysis and not legal calculation. You will not always be right. During every deposition there will be answers you do not like or expect. When you are in a disagreement it is critical to remember that this while it may seem like the end of the world, everyone is just doing their jobs. Learning to let an opposing counsel rant without responding or accepting a judge’s ruling when you disagree will help to avoid stress and allow you to enjoy the time you spend outside of work.
Consistency builds a habit, and respect. Earlier this year I was talking to an opposing counsel that I litigate against on a regular basis. In this case, we agreed to multiple extensions, and he asked about one more. I told him calmly that my client would not permit me to grant another extension and that we needed to move the case forward. His response was simply that “he didn’t blame them, and that he would probably say the same thing in my shoes.” This lawyer could have shouted that I was not giving him professional courtesy or he could have yelled that he would go to the judge anyway, and the entire conversation could have devolved into an argument, but that did not happen. In cases I have gone against this lawyer, I have always spoken calmly, I have always acted professionally, and it showed up in this situation. He knew that I was not disagreeing because of a personal spite or to try to get ahead, the time had just come to move the case along. In another situation, I had a disagreement with a client about the strength of their case. We went back and forth for almost an hour, but at the end of the call, he told me that he appreciated my willingness to debate. There was no animosity that I disagreed with him or that I saw the facts differently, he was happy to get a different perspective. When you have consistent, reasonable conversations, you gain trust amongst colleagues and opponents, and that trust leads to respect, even when having difficult conversations. Practice makes perfect is an old saying for a reason, it works.
FINAL THOUGHTS
You may not enjoy fighting the urge to shout back, saying that “we will have to agree to disagree” instead of arguing your point again, or putting in the work it takes to create a habit of composure, but you will be thanking yourself in five, ten, or twenty years when you can still say you enjoy the work you do. Whether these techniques resonate with you or not, what I hope you take away is to find ones that do. There is no shortage of disagreement in the legal field but learning to be calm, cool, and collected during those disagreements will help you succeed sooner rather than later.
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This article was originally posted in DRI's April 2025 issue of "The Briefcase". Reprinted with permission.
